Thursday, October 15, 2009
Rags
By Ramone - October 8, 2009
The picture came up because at last week's Heart Healing Art class, the question God gave me to pose was "Lord, please show me something I don't want to see." You know, 'cause there's stuff about ourselves (or others) that we don't wanna see sometimes... so the question to Him was basically saying, "Lord, I trust that You are love and whatever You show me is for my redemption, rebuilding, and betterment... so please show me something I'm afraid to see that I need healing for or need to let go of, etc."
And He showed me a picture of my old dog, Rags. Surprised me because I was expecting some dastardly hidden sin or something ... I was half-afraid to ask, already feeling guilty! But He is love, and it was like giving Him permission to shine in on my fears about myself. So He surprised the heck out of me by showing me Rags. I had expected doom (haha), but as usual, He showed me that He just ain't like whatever guilt or fear I was having. That was the *other* guy making me feel that way!
So after I finished the picture, I began to ask God about it. By the way, my picture doesn't do him any justice, but it was the best I could do off of memory and guessing. In fact, just as I merely thought about Rags and pictured him in my memory, there was this pain inside and I found myself nearly crying, but I didn't know why. As I felt that and realized that I had some pain I didn't understand, I asked God about what that was and asked Him to lead me through His healing. I recalled whatever memories I could of Rags (I couldn't recall many), and God guided me to two things.
I think Rags died in 1986 (I was maybe 8 or 9) over at some hospital near my father's place, I think, and my brother and I were usually at my mom's place. She woke us up at night to tell us that Rags had died, but I don't remember much except that I couldn't really process it, and went back to sleep quickly. I just kind of slid through the experience. I don't remember seeing his body or really grieving or saying goodbye to him. Of course I didn't realize there was that unhealed pain inside until God had me draw a picture of the old boy!
The other thing was this sort of guilty feeling I had as if I had done Rags wrong, or abused him or not loved him. The strongest memory I had of him was at my father's place, when I would throw this nasty saliva-soaked tennis ball down the hall and he would go and get it and bring it back for more. And more. And more!! He just never stopped! I remember being tired of it and wanting him to stop or go away, and I felt guilty about that. He was this raggy ball of unconditional love, and I had turned away from him, and then he was gone.
I hadn't consciously realized all of this, but inside there was part of me that felt guilty for not loving him as much as he loved me, and felt helpless to do anything about it because he was suddenly gone.
So I asked God to apply His healing and truth to this. I know Jesus' blood covers my sins, and I needed release. My soul felt guilty, like I had wronged Rags. Was this true? I asked God, and He said No. No, I had not wronged Rags. I had loved him, and he had loved me! That's what God told me, and He told me that that is what Rags was telling Jesus as I was asking Him! I burst out crying. Dogs are amazing. They just give such *unconditional* love. They love you and love you. They teach us about God's unconditional love for us. So I accepted what He said and thanked Him. I thanked Jesus for loving me through Rags, and I know that Rags loved me and still loves me, and received my love and God's love through me, and I'll see him again someday.
God, You are good. Thank You. Thank You for uncovering an old, buried grief and feeling of guilt, and bringing me healing and peace there. Thank You that You leave no stone unturned in bringing us to rest in Your love. Thank You, Jesus.
# posted by Ramone @ 11:29 PM 
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